Last week was Nasser’s birthday. We were once very close, sitting beside each other through every year of high school. Later, life put distance between us. But it was always Nasser who brought the old school friends together each year.
We were the last generation to have deskmates. For an Iranian child born in the 1980s, the person sharing your school desk held a special place in your life. You did not choose them. Someone chose them for you, and you had to live alongside them for the next year. I do mean live; I am not using the word lightly. Your deskmate was closer to you than a brother or sister. They knew everything about you. They were your age. During exams, you copied from each other’s papers, and if you were caught, you were beaten together. They were your partner in everything. With them, you could commit one of the greatest crimes of those days—skipping class—and know they would stand by you to the end.
Your deskmate was different from the children at the other desks, whom you only got to know during breaks or PE. Your deskmate was always beside you. Through every good moment and every bad one, they looked out for you. Only a deskmate could see your mark of ten out of twenty and feel disappointed for you, then delight in your nineteen. After a beating, only your deskmate truly shared your hurt and knew how to comfort you. Only beside a deskmate could you be yourself and speak your heart without a mask. Only a deskmate’s chair could you pull away so that they landed flat on the floor, laugh so hard that you fell off your own chair, and then carry on laughing together until your stomachs hurt.
Nasser has been gone for a year, and I still have not visited his grave. I keep finding excuses: I am in Tehran and he is in Ahvaz. There is coronavirus. There are a thousand other reasons…
But the truth is that I cannot believe Nasser is no longer with us. That Nasser no longer laughs—that wholehearted laughter you can share only with a deskmate. I cannot believe I no longer have one.
These days, I need a deskmate more than ever. But until further notice, classes have moved online.