I am at the airport again. But this time is different.
I have always been a traveller. Most of the money I earned went towards travelling. Even during the pandemic, I kept going. I have seen something of the world and of Iran. But every time I left, I knew I would return.
I have taken the road from home to Imam Khomeini Airport many times, always knowing that a few weeks later I would be drinking tea again at a little stall on Enghelab Street.
Whenever a friend or relative left the country, I wondered: what was missing from life here that made them accept the ache of living far from home?
The motorway towards the airport grows dark. The thirty-odd years of my life pass before my eyes, as though I am watching them on a screen. I tell myself I will come back. I still cannot believe this journey is different. On the way, I check the price of cheap flights from Sydney to Tehran.
I feel as though the life has been drained out of me.
I spent two days in Istanbul after missing my flight. I could not even bring myself to leave the hotel. At any other time, an unexpected stopover would have delighted me. Now, I feel nothing.
I used to arrive somewhere new and immediately set out on foot, exploring every corner before I had even rested. Now, I cannot summon the energy to leave my room.
For all its troubles, this country has given me good days. I have grieved here, and I have laughed with my whole heart. I have friends who, even after years apart, would come without hesitation if I called, wherever I happened to be in Iran.
And I am leaving everything behind.
Childhood memories. Sorrows and joys. Successes and failures.
They must all stay here. My baggage allowance is only thirty kilograms.
You do not realise how deeply rooted you are until you begin cutting those roots. Every goodbye severs another one. You keep moving, only to discover how far they reach.
From today, I am a migrant.
My roots are loose, and I am trying not to let the wind carry me away.
I once wrote about why I would not emigrate (in Persian). Now, I find myself thinking that perhaps this move will be temporary.
But none of us knows what the future holds.
